We are an Unattractive Bitch

Earth and Moon by kichakicha
Earth and Moon by kichakicha
Self consciousness. Its crippling. Its true. Everything I do, I can’t help but think what will people think of what I did. I agree with all those be-yourself, don’t-live-your-life-for-others type statements, but its hard to not care what others think. We humans don’t live in isolation my colleague reminded me today.

I consciously want to empathise with the people around me, understand how they feel, understand how what I’m doing around them is affecting them and I also can’t help but notice how what they are doing is affecting them. Its tormenting to have these questions and thoughts swirling in my head, it almost feels like a divide by zero error at times, no answers, no solutions, just plain pain and torment.

So having all these question, unvalidated answers and assumptions in my head, I need to then decide how I should behave around the people around me. What should I do? How should I act? How can I not make a wrong move? The usual answer is then to do nothing, just go with the flow, avoid conflict and try to enjoy the ride.

I’ve been reading sci-fi lately and totally engrossed in the whole Ender’s Game Series. I’m on my 9th book in the series currently and during this entire process, I’ve had new experiences and perspectives thru the eyes of the characters in the books. I started thinking for them, empathising their life, empathising the situations they are in.

They are in space, traveling near light speed having fictional technology and teleporting here and there. In the story, we did not invent the technology to allow us to travel the stars, but instead we studied the artefacts left behind by the visitors.

Now this got me thinking in my regular self conscious way, how then do these visitors see us?

Stepping out of my human shoes, I started seeing a horrible picture.

We think we are beautiful, but we are as beautiful as the most sinister pedophile. Hurting ourselves and disgusting ourselves.

We think we are smart, but we are as smart as our decisions to allocate precious resources and efforts into fighting with ourselves and defending ourselves from ourselves.

We think we are healthy and mortality rate is high, but we are killing ourselves slowly with our lifestyles and killing our only planet thinking its a problem for another generation to solve.

We are disgusting.

We look like a cheap ugly prostitute in the dark alleyway who hates our own life and is unable to orchestrate a change for the better. We lie to ourselves that tomorrow will be better while not making any drastic change in how we behave. Smoking one less cigarette a day is not change.

We hope and pray that a prince charming will come along, sweep us off our feet and bring us to a far away land where life is glamorous and beautiful, where we can truly enjoy life. The life that we want that is out of our reach.

But take a good hard look at ourself.

Nobody wants to know us, they might want to come and take what they want from us, but we are not important, because we are an unattractive bitch.

Beautiful Earth and Moon by kichakicha on deviantART



20130828_homlessness_cleoHappen to see a guy at McDonalds going back to the counter to say that they have got the order wrong after having fully eaten the whole burger. The puzzled look on the operationalised crews’ face sparked off a chain of events such as checking the order in the system, asking detailed question about the original order and wanted to find out if they got the order wrong and if so how did the mistake happen. As a bystander in another queue, it was obvious, the guy simply wanted another burger for free.

I sat down with my daughter Cleo and started to have a conversation about homelessness and this is roughly how it went.

Me: Cleo, do you know what is being homeless?

Cleo: Yah. When you got no place to stay.

Me: Why do you think some people are homeless?

Cleo: Because they never study properly.

Me: For some people maybe, but there are a lot of other reasons too.

Cleo listens on attentively while scooping the Oreo McFlurry into her mouth while looking up at me.

Me: Some might have been very successful businessman, but ended up owing a lot of people money, hence have to sell off their house, cars, everything to pay off those he owe money to.

Cleo nods with understanding.

Me: Some made really bad mistakes and the people in their family and maybe even friends don’t like him anymore and kicked him out of the house.

Cleo nods with understanding and you can see she is thinking.

We went on having our afternoon snack with Clara trying to sleep on my arm after a tiring afternoon of gymnastics.

Me: Cleo. Do you think its worse being homeless or being in jail?

Cleo stopped scooping her ice cream and started thinking about her new understanding of being homeless.

Cleo: Jail is better.

Me: Why?

Cleo: Because at least there is food there and also some place to sleep.

I smiled at the answer in my heart. Not because I think thats the right answer, but because she made an honest logical conclusion herself.

Me: So do you think its nice to be homeless?

Cleo: No.

I’m glad we spent that afternoon together.



Shirakawa-Go, Japan by Tatuya SSS on Flickr
Shirakawa-Go, Japan by Tatuya SSS on Flickr

The grass is greener on the other side. This is a very common phrase and I believe many of us subscribe to it on some subconscious level. We read things like 100 Trips You Must Take In Your Lifetime, Top 25 things to do before you die, Top 10 iconic travel experiences, Top 10: Manly Life Experiences or maybe even those crazy Kickstarter projects that get a million in a day like the Elevation Dock or Double Fine Adventure game. Then we ask ourselves, what the hell are we doing staying in this dead end job? Is there more to life? Should we just quit and go do things we like?

There is definitely some truth in it, but quitting your day job now without a plan is a huge move and many live to tell the tale of great experiences after quitting and even some great success stories of riches and amazing lifestyle, but even more are too embarrassed to mention anything as they dry up their savings, adjust their lifestyle to the best they can and maybe some end up going back into another dead end job.

The question can be “is your current job right for you?” or maybe we need to think “am I right for my employer?” If you are not getting your increments, if you are not being put in increasingly important roles, if you are not solving problems for your employer or co-workers (or your customers if you are self employed) then I believe there is a problem. Look at the company and look at yourself and don’t kid yourself, where do you think is the problem? I don’t know and I’m not trying to say where the problem is, but we all do need to take a serious look and ask ourselves honestly.

The seduction of change for change sake is very real and I believe we are telling ourselves something.


Ever since I’ve followed Airows on tumblr, I’ve came to reliasation of one thing. We all desire something else, something different. We want new experiences, visit new places.

This very simple Tumblr blog serves up visual inspirations. It shows up suave guys and alluring women, magnificent landscapes and awe inspiring architecture, lust worthy products and much desirable lifestyles. Its a pure visual treat. Life should look like this. Life should be like this.

I believe at this point, my altruistic friends will label me materialistic, seduced by the world. There are people suffering, less privileged, famine, rape, war, bad stuff, ugly stuff. True. Very true and you know what, these less privileged-suffering-hungry and abused-people in war stricken places desire the same thing. They desire change. Something else, something different.

Its not hard really.

Just get off your lazy ass and do something about it NOW. Take a short trip this weekend, renovate your room, cycle to the neighbouring country, save up for that trip and spend the money happily, pick up a skill, start ticking off your bucket list. If you don’t have a bucket list, than your ass is lazier then I’ve imagined.

Unfortunately we live in a society that primarily uses money as the yardstick of what we can and cannot have. Fine, if you still think quitting is it, then i’ve got nothing to say.

I’m very blessed because I love the people I work with and I dream of them all the time. Many are in different stages in their life, some young and figuring things out, some are at the brink of becoming an awesome manager, some at the brink of becoming an amazing individual in their craft, some are just enjoying themselves.

I could have chosen to view some as irresponsible, selfish, untalented or even downright useless, but then I’ll i’ll then be surrounded with idiots. Why would I want to do this to myself. I choose to truly believe I’m blessed and surrounded with awesome people. People who have great life stories, people who have great potential, people who I can be friends for life.

I desire change. Change for the better.