Self consciousness. Its crippling. Its true. Everything I do, I can’t help but think what will people think of what I did. I agree with all those be-yourself, don’t-live-your-life-for-others type statements, but its hard to not care what others think. We humans don’t live in isolation my colleague reminded me today.
I consciously want to empathise with the people around me, understand how they feel, understand how what I’m doing around them is affecting them and I also can’t help but notice how what they are doing is affecting them. Its tormenting to have these questions and thoughts swirling in my head, it almost feels like a divide by zero error at times, no answers, no solutions, just plain pain and torment.
So having all these question, unvalidated answers and assumptions in my head, I need to then decide how I should behave around the people around me. What should I do? How should I act? How can I not make a wrong move? The usual answer is then to do nothing, just go with the flow, avoid conflict and try to enjoy the ride.
I’ve been reading sci-fi lately and totally engrossed in the whole Ender’s Game Series. I’m on my 9th book in the series currently and during this entire process, I’ve had new experiences and perspectives thru the eyes of the characters in the books. I started thinking for them, empathising their life, empathising the situations they are in.
They are in space, traveling near light speed having fictional technology and teleporting here and there. In the story, we did not invent the technology to allow us to travel the stars, but instead we studied the artefacts left behind by the visitors.
Now this got me thinking in my regular self conscious way, how then do these visitors see us?
Stepping out of my human shoes, I started seeing a horrible picture.
We think we are beautiful, but we are as beautiful as the most sinister pedophile. Hurting ourselves and disgusting ourselves.
We think we are smart, but we are as smart as our decisions to allocate precious resources and efforts into fighting with ourselves and defending ourselves from ourselves.
We think we are healthy and mortality rate is high, but we are killing ourselves slowly with our lifestyles and killing our only planet thinking its a problem for another generation to solve.
We are disgusting.
We look like a cheap ugly prostitute in the dark alleyway who hates our own life and is unable to orchestrate a change for the better. We lie to ourselves that tomorrow will be better while not making any drastic change in how we behave. Smoking one less cigarette a day is not change.
We hope and pray that a prince charming will come along, sweep us off our feet and bring us to a far away land where life is glamorous and beautiful, where we can truly enjoy life. The life that we want that is out of our reach.
But take a good hard look at ourself.
Nobody wants to know us, they might want to come and take what they want from us, but we are not important, because we are an unattractive bitch.
Beautiful Earth and Moon by kichakicha on deviantART